Lester's Fixins Buffalo Wing Soda

Well, it's been a few weeks since my last review, and that's because I've been sitting on this bottle... scared... 

Brand: Lester's Fixins Buffalo Wing Soda.

Origin: Incline Village, NV.

Purchase Place: Blue Sun Soda, Spring Lake Park, MN.

Sweetener: Pure Cane Sugar.

Review: You might remember first seeing this bottle when I tried Ranch Dressing Soda last month. I FINALLY got around to opening this one up, and it wasn't really what I expected. 

When I first sniffed it, it didn't smell bad - it was like a "sharp orange flavored" smell. I was hopeful.

And you know what? It didn't taste horrible either. The flavor was kind of meaty (but not in a bad way), smokey, and slightly salty. The problem occurred 5-10 seconds after each sip - there's this burning that happened in the back of my throat. It was like a chemical burn feeling. Not pleasant. And it happened sooner and sooner after each sip. I couldn't finish this. So favor was bad but not horrible, but the general experience of this soda was bad. Just bad.

Score: 1.5 out of 10.

Mystery Soda

I opened this while the Vikings were playing losing yesterday afternoon: 

No, it's not an unknown "mystery soda" - it's actually CALLED "Mystery Soda." And after a glance at the ingredients list, I knew it was going to be wild:

Brand: Mystery Soda.

Origin: Spring Grove, MN.

Purchase Place: "Minnesota's Largest Candy Store," Jordan, MN.

Sweetener: Honey.

Review: When I took my first sip, I truly forgot about the ingredients list, and took a big sip as I would with a soda. AND I HAD A WHOLE BODY SHIVER. (And not in a good way.) I hate kombucha, and all that apple cider vinegar in that soda sure had that kombucha "burn" that I dislike. All I can taste is "burn." There's no mystery here, just the taste of death. Sharp bitter mouth death.

Score: 1 out of 10.

 

Thunder Beast American Root Beer

I opened this with supper last night: 

Brand: Thunder Beast American Root Beer.

Origin: Washington, DC.

Purchase Place: Minnesota's Largest Candy Store, Jordan, MN.

Sweetener: Cane Sugar and Honey.

Review: I loved the label and the sass that this bottle of root beer had. I loved that across the bottom of the label it said "the best thing to come out of Washington D.C. since freedom." But I did not love the taste. It had a heavy caramel sweetness to it, and then I noticed that it had honey in it. I LOVE honey, but it seems like 90% of the time, honey ruins root beer for me. It's not a flavor combo that works for me.

I poured some into 2 glasses for my boys, and even they didn't like it. They don't get soda (except for small sips here-and-there), but neither of them finished it. It just was not good. This will go down as one of my least favorite root beers ever.

Score: 1.5 out of 10.

Sunshine Bottle Works All-Natural Root Beer

We did a lot of cooking today (while staying inside in the name of "social distancing"), and I opened this to sip on while cooking:

My wife and 8-year-old making bagels in the background.

Brand: Sunshine Bottle Works All-Natural Root Beer.

Origin: San Luis Obispo, CA.

Purchase Place: Blue Sun Soda, Spring Lake Park, MN.

Sweetener: Pure Cane Sugar.

Review: This first sip of this was pretty normal, but then I was BLASTED with a heavy molasses aftertaste. Truly. I checked the ingredients, and nothing stood out there - if anything, it sounded good: "natural flavors with spices of wintergreen, anise and birch."

My wife took a sip, made a face, and said "YEP!" My 8-year-old didn't like it, and that's super rare when it comes to sodas! My 5-year-old thought it was OK. But I didn't even finish the bottle. This might go down as my first root beer that I never finished! Just too much molasses flavor.

Score: 1.5 out of 10.
 

Cock N' Bull Bitter Lemon

I opened this while cleaning up last night:

I didn't know what to expect! A "signature bitter taste?" Umm... I'm... excited?

Brand: Cock N' Bull Bitter Lemon.

Origin: Spring Grove, MN.

Purchase Place: Blue Sun Soda, Spring Lake Park, MN.

Sweetener: Sugar.

Review: This was undrinkable! The first sniff / sip seemed promising... like a lemon-heavy lemon-lime. But then the last moment of each drink is a POW of bitterness. It is SO bitter. My 8-year-old was home with me, and he couldn't drink it either. I tried making a mixed drink (because it notes that it's good as a mixer, and I could see that), but what I tried with it didn't work. It still wasn't that drinkable. (Although it was better.) I can understand that this could be good in the right mixed drink, but on it's own (and how I tried it with an Elderflower Liqueur) it's undrinkable. Try it if you're looking for a bitter lemon flavor to add into mixed drinks, but unless that's specifically what you're looking for, stay away!

Score: 1 out of 10.
 

Vanilla Hi Ball Energy

I did a triathlon 2 weeks ago, and these were being handed out at the finish:

Brand: Vanilla Hi Ball Energy.

Origin: San Francisco, CA.

Purchase Place: Maple Grove Triathlon.

Sweetener: None.

Review: I saw a woman at the race dumping hers on the ground, so I didn't have high hopes. Turns out, she was 100% justified. This was horrible. It tasted like the worst possible version of La Croix water. The vanilla flavor was OK, but NOT in an unsweetened carbonated water drink. Gah. It needed about 50 grams of sugar to be drinkable. Disgusting. I only could manage a few sips of this.

Score: 1 out of 10.

Unknown Dred Formula No 53 Road Rage Red

I needed a pick-me-up this morning, so I opened this "all purpose energy drink" with the weirdest label:

It *might* just be a random scuff, but one of the ingredients seems to be perfectly crossed out. Suspicious.

Brand: Unknown Dred Formula No 53 Road Rage Red.

Origin: Unknown.  Possibly Seattle, WA.

Purchase Place: "Minnesota's Largest Candy Store," Jordan, MN.

Sweetener: "Cane sugar and/or fructose."

Review: I knew nothing about the flavor other than "road rage red." And at the top of the bottle it was called an "all purpose energy drink with a good taste and mellow finish."

But it did not have a good taste. Or a mellow finish.

It was Red Bull-like, but less sweet and not as good. It had that "red" flavor of red bull that I can't quite nail down. I couldn't drink more than a few sips of that. Stay away.

Score: 1.5 out of 10.

Spring Grove Limited Edition Rhu-berry

It was Spring Grove soda that made me want to start this blog. Now, they have a "new limited edition" flavor, and even though it sounded strange, I had to try it.

In my beautiful basement classroom where I teach.

Brand: Spring Grove Limited Edition Rhu-berry.

Origin: Spring Grove, MN

Purchase Place: Blue Sun Soda, Spring Lake Park, MN.

Sweetener: Cane Sugar and Corn Syrup.

Review: It had "natural rhubarb flavor" listed as an ingredient, and I wasn't sure what that would taste like. (You know how cherry soda is a very different cherry flavor than ACTUAL cherries, but we're all cool with that?) Turns out, it's kind of disgusting. It has a berry sweetness, followed by a strong, sharp rhubarb kick that is very unpleasant. I could only tolerate a few sips. Good thing this is a "limited edition" - hopefully it goes away ASAP.

Score: 1 out of 10.

Sky Valley Black Cherry

My wife and I recently took a trip to Colorado. (Some pics here.) I grabbed a soda to enjoy in our hotel room while we were there.

Brand: Sky Valley Black Cherry.

Origin: Danville, VA.

Purchase Place: Whole Foods, Fort Collins, CO.

Sweetener: Organic Cane Sugar.

Review: This wasn't good. I've had one other Sky Valley soda, and that wasn't good either. This had "balsamic vinegar" as one of the last ingredients, and that just has no place in a black cherry soda. Nothing really decent about this at all.

Score: 1.5 out of 10.

Sky Valley Organic Root Beer

I tried this earlier today:

Brand: Sky Valley Organic Root Beer.

Origin: Danville, VA.

Purchase Place: Whole Foods, St. Paul, MN.

Sweetener: Organic Cane Sugar.

Review: This was terrible. Down right horrible. There was an odd sharpness to it, and I think it was from the sea salt and/or the apple cider vinegar found in the ingredients list. I thought the apple cider vinegar COULD be an interesting addition, but it made the root beer a little bitter. I only had a few sips - it was one of the worst sodas that I've had in a while. So this makes 2 horrible root beers that I'd have lately. I've got to change that soon...

Score: 1.5 out of 10.

Cicero Beverage Co. Salted Caramel Root Beer

I had this after an 8K road race yesterday:

Brand: Cicero Beverage Co. Salted Caramel Root Beer.

Origin: Chicago, IL.

Purchase Place: "Minnesota's Largest Candy Store," Jordan, MN.

Sweetener: Sugar.

Review: I didn't expect much going into this because I'm not a huge "salted caramel" fan. But this was worse than I could have imagined. I thought MAYBE it was just me, so I had my wife try a sip - she loves salted caramel ice cream. But she took a drink and said "oh that's RANK!" It tasted like salty soda, which is not something that's good. I'm going to give this a score of 1.5, which makes it officially the WORST root beer I've ever had. I could only try 2 sips of it before dumping the rest.

Score: 1.5 out of 10.

Iron Horse Cream Soda

Yesterday I had the worst cream soda of my life:

Brand: Iron Horse Cream Soda.

Origin: Edina, MN.

Purchase Place: "Minnesota's Largest Candy Store," Jordan, MN.

Sweetener: High Fructose Corn Syrup.

Review: This was bad. You know the sharpness that unsweetened carbonated water has? It tasted like that only slightly more "brown." It was not creamy like a cream soda should be. I couldn't drink the whole bottle.

Score: 1.5 out of 10.

Fentimans Rose Lemonade

My son and I were in Lunds the other day when I stopped by the cold soda section:

I popped it open on the ride home.

I've had a lot of Fentimans "interesting" sodas in the past, but this one was just not good.


Brand: Fentimans Rose Lemonade.

Origin: Burnaby, BC, Canada.

Purchase Place: Lunds, St. Paul, MN.

Sweetener: Sugar and Glucose Syrup.

Review: It smelled like a sweet Lemonade. But it tasted like Lemon Pledge furniture polish. Really. Read that again: it tasted like Lemon Pledge. Nothing about that is a good thing. It was slightly drinkable in small, small sips, but any "normal" sip was horrible. I didn't finish the bottle.

Score: 1.5 out of 10.

Malta Goya

I knew nothing about this when I grabbed it. I thought it sounded Mexican.

It had a distinct (not good) taste. I had to look up more info. I found this on Wikipedia:

Malta (also called young beer, children's beer, or wheat soda) is a type of soft drink. It is a carbonated malt beverage, meaning it is brewed from barley, hops, and water much like beer; corn and caramel color may also be added. However, Malta is non-alcoholic, and is consumed in the same way as soda or cola in its original carbonated form, and to some extent, iced tea in non-carbonated form. 

In other words, Malta is actually a beer that has not been fermented. It is similar in color to stout (dark brown) but is very sweet, generally described as tasting like molasses. Unlike beer, ice is often added to Malta when consumed. A popular way Latin Americans sometimes drink Malta is by mixing it with condensed or evaporated milk.

It DOES taste like molasses. And not in a good way. I'm curious how it would taste with condensed or evaporated milk as suggested. I might have to try that. Key word: might.


Brand: Malta Goya.

Origin: Wilkes-Barre, PA.

Purchase Place: Frattallone's Ace Hardware, Burnsville, MN.

Sweetener: High Fructose Corn Syrup.

Review: It wasn't good. Not at all. It wasn't even that "interesting." It tasted like thin, carbonated, nutty molasses. Yuck. Maybe the best line I found about it online was on UrbanDictionary: "A substance so terrible that it's creators should be murdered, or worse, forced to drink it themselves." Yep, that's about right. I'm giving this my 2nd ever "1" rating.

Score: 1 out of 10.

Lester's Fixins Bacon Soda. Yes, BACON Soda.

Alright... It was our last day in Vegas, and it was time to get adventurous.  I busted out the Bacon Soda.

Image source.

The label.

Brand: Lester's Fixins Bacon Soda.

Origin: Camarillo, CA.

Purchase Place: Rocket Fizz, Las Vegas, NV.

Sweetener: Cane sugar.

Review: It didn't taste like bacon. It tasted like Bac-Os or Bacon Bits... only in liquid form... with carbonation. That's all a nasty combination. It was salty and smoky, much like bacon (or a hairy, sweaty, Russian man). But in soda form, this is just disgusting. I took 2 tiny sips and had to dump the rest. Lester's Fixins Sweet Corn Soda had slightly more (better) flavor, but I could not stomach this.

Score: 1 out of 10.