Thursday, April 14, 2016

The Four Worst Sodas at Rocket Fizz

I found an article about a new Rocket Fizz store opening up in Portland OR. It's 3 years old, but it's written so hilariously snarky that I had to share it. Here are 2 great opening quotes of his first impression of the store:

They've got a massive selection organized on the "fuck it" system (the first and less prestigious invention of Dewey behind his eponymous Decimal system).
I considered the Snooki soda, but assumed it would be meatball flavor.

He went on to review these 4 sodas:

Ranch Dressing, Buffalo Wing, Coffee, and Bacon Soda
Ranch Dressing, Buffalo Wing, Coffee, and Bacon Soda in his apartment.

I've seen all of those, but I've never considered the coffee soda because I don't like coffee. I've been scared to try the ranch or buffalo wing because I HAVE had the bacon soda, and it was horrible. (In fact, in my review of it, I noted that it had the saltiness and smokiness of a "hairy, sweaty, Russian man.") Here were his 4 reviews of these novelty sodas:

Coffee Soda
I started here because it seemed the closest to a thing somebody might actually want. And I was right. It tastes nothing like coffee but was thoroughly delicious. More like a creamy root beer float. A good start. Maybe everything will be this good! (Spoiler alert: no)

Bacon Soda
It's been 10 years I've had bacon, but non-vegetarians like to remind me that it's delicious. So maybe the "artificial bacon" flavor in my soda will be an awesome experience I can enjoy while still maintaining my moral superiority at the breakfast table. Also it sounds like "baking soda" which is fun. Bacon soda... is not fun. It's got a wafting chemical smell, like chlorine or something, and tastes much the same. It has a slight aftertaste of meatiness, and a duringtaste of pure awfulness. It tasted less like a soda with bacon flavor and more like drinking the water out of a hot tub after a bunch of pigs just finished relaxing in it. Do not buy or consume this product if you are pregnant, may become pregnant, or was the product of a human pregnancy.

Buffalo Wing Soda
This seemed like the most outlandish flavor choice, so maybe it'll be the best? Actually, Buffalo Wing Soda tastes okay. I didn't detect the tiniest hint of buffalo sauce and the orange color tricked my brain into thinking it tasted like orange cream. I wouldn't really recommend this, unless you wanted a vague flavor and a funny label. If not, just buy an orange cream soda.

Ranch Dressing Soda
And the big finish... ranch dressing. Just popping off the cap revealed a nauseating smell that, an hour later, hasn't entirely left my apartment. There was a vague sense that I was drinking something ranch flavored, but it had such a strong chemically taste I was pretty sure this was ranch's evil robot twin. It tasted more like an industrial byproduct than a delicious mix of sour cream and herbs, like it was extruded from the ranch-sands of Canada. I was able to drink the least of this one and I even felt guilty pouring this one down the drain for fear it would end up in the river and a fish would take a sip and instantly vomit.

Bonus: Buffalo Wing (soda) dipped in Ranch Dressing (soda)
Since these flavors are frequently combined, I thought I'd try it.

Click here for the full article. This has me wanting to try the coffee soda, so maybe I'll have to grab that once "Minnesota's Largest Candy Store" opens up for the season.

No comments:

Post a Comment